Mainstream Isn’t Right for a Huge Group of Children”: What Parent Voices Teach Us About School Distress.
- louisehenderson307
- 3 days ago
- 4 min read
School attendance difficulties among children and young people (CYP) have risen sharply across the UK. A recent study from Durham University offers something we rarely see centred in this conversation: the lived experiences of parents and carers supporting Neurodivergent CYP who experience ongoing school-based distress.
Link to study;
What the Stigma?! aims to open conversations that challenge stigma. School attendance is a topic steeped in stigma and often with blame directed towards parents, CYP or teachers. Its a topic close to my heart both personally as a parent and professionally as a Counsellor who has worked in many schools and supported CYP navigating this experience. The recent Durham University study centres the lived experiences of parents and carers supporting Neurodivergent children and young people who face ongoing school‑based distress.
The research highlights several consistent themes: a mismatch between children’s needs and the demands of mainstream schooling;
The fragility and inconsistency of support systems
The significant impact of school‑related distress on whole‑family wellbeing
Parents’ calls for meaningful, systemic change rather than surface‑level adjustments.
These findings challenge common misconceptions that attendance difficulties reflect defiance, lack of effort or parenting issues. Instead showing that distress often arises when environments are overwhelming or incompatible with a child’s nervous system and needs.
Discussing this research openly is vital because stigma around school attendance can silence families, obscure the real causes of distress and prevent compassionate, joined‑up support.
By sharing parent and carer voices and recognising distress as a signal that something in the environment is not working, not a personal failing, the study invites a more compassionate, empathetic, trauma‑informed and neuro‑affirming conversation about how we create educational spaces where all children can feel safe, understood and included.
When School Doesn’t Fit the Child - Not the Other Way Around
Parents and Carers in the study consistently described a misalignment between their child’s needs and the demands of mainstream schooling.
This is not about capability or effort. It is about compatibility.
For many Neurodivergent CYP school environments can be overwhelming despite support being in place;
Noisy, unpredictable classrooms
Sensory overload
Social complexity
Transitions without warning
Behavioural expectations not suited to their nervous system
A trauma-informed view understands that when a child experiences something as unsafe; whether its sensory, social or emotional based their nervous system may shift into survival mode: fight, flight, freeze or shutdown.
This is not defiance. It is distress.
A neuro-affirming perspective goes further: Neurodivergent ways of thinking, feeling and learning are valid.
The environment, not the child, is what needs adjustment.
Parents in the study emphasised that “mainstream isn’t right for a huge group of children now.”
That sentence holds weight.
It tells us that the system is not meeting the diversity of real children who exist within it.
A Support System That Often Feels Fragile
Parents reported that accessing support for their child was often inconsistent, confusing, or painfully slow.
This mirrors what many families share in therapeutic settings:
Inconsistent SEN provision
Lack of specialist training
Communication gaps between home and school
Support removed too early
Long waits for assessment
Pressure to "prove" distress
It is important, in the spirit of balance, to also acknowledge that school staff often feel under immense pressure with limited resources. Teachers frequently care deeply but struggle within restrictive and under funded systems. However, the cumulative effect for families can be overwhelming. When systems are unclear or stretched, parents absorb the emotional, practical and financial pressures. This can lead to exhaustion, burnout and feelings of being unheard experiences frequently brought into the therapy room. Parents’ expertise is valid. Their observations matter. Trauma-informed practice means trusting lived experience.
When Distress Becomes a Whole-Family Experience
School-based distress doesn’t stay at the school gate. Parents in the study described profound impacts on:
Home routines
Employment
Siblings
Mental health
Family relationships
Many families begin each day preparing for distress before it even happens anticipating emotional meltdowns, shutdowns, panic, or physical symptoms of anxiety. This is chronic stress. CYP may internalise these struggles, believing they are “too much” or “failing,” which can contribute to shame and low self-esteem.
This is where stigma becomes deeply damaging.
Misunderstandings like:
“They just don’t want to go.”
“It’s behavioural.”
“It’s poor parenting.”
These judgements can isolate families and prevent them from seeking help.
A trauma-informed stance reframes the narrative:
Behaviour is communication. Distress means something isn’t working.
Parents Want Change — Systemic, Not Surface-Level
Parents in the study were clear: they are not asking for sympathy. They are asking for systems that work.
They want;
Inclusive classrooms
Meaningful adjustments
Flexible pathways
Trauma-informed approaches
Collaboration without blame
Alternatives to mainstream for CYP who need it
An end to punitive attendance framing
Crucially, they want their children’s voices listened to. Children are experts in their own experience. Any change must centre their perspectives.
Where Does Counselling Fit?
As counsellors, we cannot redesign the education system, laws or statutory guidance that binds it.
But we can:
Provide safe spaces and validate families’ experiences without judgement
Support CYP in understanding their needs, emotions and identity
Help and support parents and carers to cope with stress and uncertainty
Work collaboratively, when appropriate, whilst staying within our professional boundaries and competence
Adopt inclusive, neuro-affirming and trauma-informed practice through training
Hold space for grief, frustration and hope
Therapy can help families feel seen, supported and empowered.
Reflection points
The message is clear:
Families need collaborative joined-up, compassionate support - not blame, shame or judgement.
What assumptions do we make about attendance and how might they reinforce stigma?
How can we honour Neurodivergent ways of being?
How do we create systems that feel safe for all nervous systems?
What small changes could schools, communities or professionals make to be more trauma-informed and inclusive?
School distress is not a personal failure of a child, parent, or teacher. It is a signal that something in the environment is not working.
The Durham University study reminds us that parent voices hold essential truth - truth we must listen to if we want meaningful, compassionate, stigma-reducing change.
Neurodivergent children deserve educational spaces that recognise their strengths, honour their needs, and support their wellbeing.
Families deserve understanding, not judgement.
All of us - professionals, educators, communities share responsibility for making that possible.
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